I've had a little time to settle down, quit shaking some and think.
There's another component to my distress tonight. Besides feeling a need for encouragement, I'm feeling a loss of confidence.
A lot of times we have to fake it until we make it... bluff our way through the tough times as we convince ourselves and others that we are, indeed, capable and successful people. Other times, we truly are on top of the world, secure in our abilities and fully knowing that God put us where He wants us to be, doing exactly what He made us to do.
I've got a foot in each of those worlds at the moment. I know I have skills, talents and abilities. What I lack for the moment is direction and a sense of purpose. Not good.
I think what may be happening is a shift, much like being on a sailboat as it is coming about to change the direction of its tack. That moment when the sail moves from one side of the boat to the other is a moment without direction, with the sail violently flapping as the boat luffs. It's a time when the boat could easily capsize. All it would take is for the crew to shift too far to one side or the other, or to take too much or too little time making the shift. For a moment the boat is without direction or power, pivoting on its own center as it finds a new path.
The wind can be a metaphor for encouragement and support. A supportive hand on our back can make the transition smoother and easier, like pushing the boom across the deck. If we don't have it, we can founder.
I want to say thank you to all of you who have supported me on this blog through the past several months. It is nice to have a group of people with such diverse interests who have become real friends, offering advice and encouragement.
And I think this catharsis tonight just means I should start getting out more and stop staying cloistered at home.